"President Obama will be sworn in with his hand resting on two Bibles. Is that how screwed up Washington is now? One Bible can't get the job done anymore?"
Jay Leno
 
"President Obama's inauguration is coming up. During next week's inauguration, he will be sworn in with not one, but two Bibles. Relax, Mr. President. We get it. You're not a Muslim. You're overcompensating."
Conan O'Brien
 
The good news is that, according to the Obama administration, the rich will pay for everything. The bad news is that, according to the Obama administration, you're rich. 
P. J. O'Rourke 
 
It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin. 
Dave Barry 
 
In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards. 
Mark Twain  
 
It's time to fundamentally change the way that we do business in Washington. To help build a new foundation for the 21st century, we need to reform our government so that it is more efficient, more transparent, and more creative. That will demand new thinking and a new sense of responsibility for every dollar that is spent. 
 
Barack Obama 
 
When I got drafted by Minnesota.. I think I felt obligated to bring a Super Bowl to Minnesota. 
Randy Moss